On my first few playthroughs (I'm a little busy so it might take me a while to play through it a few more times):

1) The stat sheet being on the bottom of the page was a bit jarring for a second, but maybe that just 'cause I'm conditioned to looking for it in the same place for every ChoiceScript game.

2) You might want to change the email address (the support@choiceofgames.com one) to your own in case someone decided to actually use it.

3) Got a bit of a kick out of the fact that you can drill your damage down by going back and forth between stats sheet and the game. Just a note that because of the way ChoiceScript handles random numbers, the number has to be rolled up on the page before it is used, otherwise it going to the stat sheet, then back, will redo the randomize command (and apparently will also re-trigger *set commands). You can bring yourself into negative health before the game even starts that way.

4) I'd like to see the price of the investigators that you hire along with their description (such as: Name, Description, $###) like how you did with choosing the place you stay at.

5) In the same scene breaking up the team members onto different lines, might make it a bit easier to read. (So, rather than: Member one: blank Member two: blank
It reads:
Member One: Blank
Member Two: Blank)

6) Partway through (when loading up the van) there is a parentheses ( in place of a curly bracket {. It reads: "Lets load up, $(npcnamefirstone}"

7) On the line before that I got the sentence: "Loading the vans took less than half an hour. You ckeck with Shawn,, and he tells you everything is ready." Check is spelled wrong, and after Shawn it has two commas.

8) Inputting your own name, If you don't add the period after your middle initial, you've got to go back and re-add it. Possibly something along the lines of:
Middle Initial (Just the letter please)
*input_text middleinitial
*set middleinitial middleinitial&"."
might be a little nicer. (This is a very minor complain though).

9) About the Stat Sheet: Another line between the individual members on the stat screen would make it a little more legible. Remember that you don't even have to use the *stat_chart command on the stat sheet if you don't want to. Also, you can "fall out" of the *stat_chart command if you want only the top half to be in a stat_chart format.

10) While playing I got the error (Google Chrome):

{arguments:undefined,type:undefined,message:"line 91: invalid
${} variable substitution at letter 1",stack:"Error: line 91: invalid
${} variable substitution at letter 1
at Scene.printLine
(http://www.lordirish.com/Ghost/web/scene.js:136:13)
at Scene.printLoop
(http:.../scene.js:103:18)
at Scene.execute
(http:.../scene.js:262:10)
at Scene.<anonymous>
(http:.../scene.js:205:20)
at safeCall
(http:...util.js:35:20)
atXMLHttpRequest.onreadystatechange
(http:...scene.js:203:13)",name:"Error"}

I'm pretty sure it comes from a combo of picking the camping gear and then picking the first option about the drive: "I am looking forward to the drive, maybe get to know the group better.". If I change who I pick though, it changes the line number of the error (to 123).
(Edit: Actually I've reproduced it with the "hotel" option. I think it might be related to the choice of NPCs. Also got the same erro with "line 87")

11) The spacing seemed a bit awkward at times. Like there are too many spaces before a choice. Also the fact that the text runs all the way up to the top of the screen (without any title or button up there) gives a strange, slightly 'disjointed' feeling. While the text running all the way up could possibly give a bit of a 'good' horror-like, disjointed feeling, the extra spaces on the bottom don't, giving more of a 'too much white space' sort of empty feeling, which, while possible to use to good effect, feels out of place when done throughout the game.

12) Adding a tiny blurb about each character in the stat sheet, such as: "Member One: Shawn Ward (The technician)" might make it a bit easier to keep track of what skills they have. Maybe I'm alone on this one though, as I just seem to have horrible abilities with keeping track of names.

13) I noticed that sometimes when I check the stat screen after choosing my team, one or two of the characters names will be listed as "blank". I'd look into this a bit more, but I only just noticed (tacking this on after everything else), and I've got things to do.


As for the important part, the story itself, It's rather catching. The characters feel very much alive, with their own problems and quirks, even with as little time can currently be spent with them.

The website listed for the player's company did raise a sort of "the internet does not work like that" innate annoyance reaction (although more of a "lol, internetz doeznt work lik3 dat" than "I actually don't like that" annoyance), mostly aimed at the fact that altering (as opposed to replacing) text variables is impossible with ChoiceScript (with the exception of adding on bits).

Anyways, getting back on track, I love your characters, and the story has the beginning of something gripping. The only real complaint I can find is the spacing throwing the pace of your writing a bit off at times.

Thank you very much. This is a hugh help and will start working on the fixes right away.

It is a promising story, and I really enjoyed the work you have done so far.

Some specific comments:
1. The game stopped after I picked van, like Reaperoa said, but until that point I was hooked (great start).
2. Picking your team mates is a great concept and made me feel invested in the group. If possible, I'd add more team mates, since it feels like I basically am taking almost everyone with me. I know tracking lots of people can be time consuming but there are ways to do it with variables. I can explain more if you'd like but don't want to waste your time if you have a system. Let me know if you want input.
3. Starting off with a flashforward is good to heighten the conflict since you know you (as a reader) are heading into an inevitable confrontation. My only issue is that I now know where I am headed, so it makes it seem linear.

Overall, it is impressive, and I am looking forward to reading more.

Thank you, I do have plans to expand the list of team members at a later update. Without giving any spoilers there are four other npc's that can join the group currently programmed in. As to linear feel, I hope to over come that feeling with the choices that will be available to the reader as the game progresses. I have a system already in place for tracking, good or bad it would probably take to long to implement a new system, even if it is better, but that does not mean your input would be a waste of time. I maybe able to use what you offer in the next CoG I write. I have two more planned right now. 'The Aztec Path' and "Thief's Apprentice', of course these are a little down the road from here.

I have completed 80% of the fixes, and uploaded them. I need to take a nap before work so will resume the work tomorrow,

@JimD I do have to argue the feeling of linearity the confrontation gives. It feels more like reaching that spirit is a goal to me, rather than something that I'm forced to do. I mean, that thing is the 'Big Bad' whether it be the 'Main Boss' or the 'Dragon' that I have to defeat. So long as potential paths off the rails aren't dangled all over the place which just wrap around and send me back down a pre-determined path (like: Day three choice: Leave and never come back: If you choose it you decide to come back the next day) then I feel no need to resist.

Additionally, the intro highlights two important things to me:
1) This is a 'sh*t goes bad' sort of story. This thing will pick you up and smash your face in if given half a chance. It will kill you without hesitation, and without some random 'it pulls the rug out from under your feet when you're by the stairs' sort of thing (although it may very well pull the rug out from under your feet when you're by the stairs too, as highlighted by the falling bookcase the gets mentioned). The intro makes it clear that this thing is not a shimmering blue ghost that floats around saying 'boo' and occasionally manages to knock over a few books. Instead it is a being of pure darkness which will smear your blood all across the floor, and hang your remains from the highest point of the building with your own entrails. Now you can prepare for it.
2) And, in fact, you are prepared for it. This may be the biggest baddest thing you (as the PC) have ever taken down, but you have taken some bad things down before. Sure, it messes you up, but you're still nonchalant about it. The PC is not 'holy crud, I've gotta get out of here.' but instead is: 'Why did I pick this job?' And it does it without 'defining' your character. You can still be a dick, you can still be 'Mr. Nice Guy' or you can stand in the middle. The only thing it does with make you (as the player) aware of what you're facing, and tell you that your character can actually get things done.

@lordirishdas A few more corrections: When choosing your team, there are a few typos (I've tried to render them as closely to what I think you were going for as I could):
Shawn Ward:
"Shawn Ward - He has five years in the field, outstanding tech skills with anything electronic, he is very out spoken."
Corrections are:
"Shawn Ward - He has five years in the field , and outstanding tech skills with anything electronic,. He is very out spoken."
There were two sentences combined into one. Without the last piece, the first sentence no longer needs its first comma, instead it should have 'and' written out. 'Tech' skills with anything electronic is redundant, and a bit flow breaking, and should either be 'technical skills', or 'skills with anything electronic'.
It should read:
"Shawn Ward - He has five years in the field and outstanding skills with anything electronic. He is very out spoken."

Davis Green:
"Davis Green - He has twenty years in the field, has worked on some very big cases and has a solid understanding spiritual haunting, currently works for another group."
Corrections are:
"Davis Green - He has twenty years in the field, has worked on some very big cases and has a solid understanding of spiritual hauntings. Currently works for another group."
There should be an 'of' after understanding, hauntings should be plural, and is also the end of the sentence, meaning that currently needs to be capitalized.
It should read:
"Davis Green - He has twenty years in the field, has worked on some very big cases and has a solid understanding of spiritual hauntings. Currently works for another group."

Sally Winford:
"Sally Winford -She has four years in the field, she has worked along side you with other groups, good common sense with nerves of steel."
Corrections are:
"Sally Winford - She has four years in the field, and she has worked along side you with other groups,. Good common sense with nerves of steel."
You forgot the space after the dash, and need to break the sentence up. The comma needs to become an 'and' while the end of the sentence needs to be turned into its own sentence.
It should read:
"Sally Winford - She has four years in the field and has worked along side you with other groups. Good common sense with nerves of steel."

There are similar syntax errors throughout the rest of character choices. None of them are nearly bad enough to make it even kinda difficult to understand what is being said, but they are a bit eye catching (in a bad way, as they are errors after all).

Also: I noticed that you left the "This is a stats screen!" message at the top of your stats screen (the default message from the sample game). I don't know if you intended to do that, so I though I'd just draw your attention to it. If you did want to leave it, I'd recommend at least changing it to something a bit more subdued and fitting to the game. Currently it just seems a little too 'perky'.

Also, the corrections are rather nice. Although the parenthesis instead of a curly bracket seems to be a bit of a problem for you :p . I noticed two more cases of it with: "$(npcnamefirsttwo}" If I could be so bold: The way I fixed a similar problem was to ctrl+F the error and replace them with the proper punctuation.

Good work, and I anticipate seeing more.

That is awesome input, and very welcome. Yes I have a fair bit to still fix, just ran out of time for the day. Have to go to work to keep the lights on, so will be cracking it open tomorrow to work on some more. I will work to resolve the linear feeling. The flashforward is only one of fifteen or so paths that can be followed. The goal is to be a very open game that you feel free to explore. Thank you.

I did a ctrl+f search in all the scenes and could not find any. In the last update I removed all of the other coding. I switch to the old *print command, works better for me to see as I program lol. I wonder if you may need to clear your history, I have to often when trying to see the changes. I have uploaded the new changes, still need to fix spacing problem, but may not get to that until this weekend. Ran randomtest and fixed a dozen or so errors. Then ran for forty-five minutes not finding anything.

@Reaperoa I see your points but it's somewhat a preference thing. I can't start a TV series mid-season, since I need to discover everything as it happens. When a story begins with a pivotal scene that will be revisited, I just tend to be waiting for it to happen, instead of allowing it to happen.

All of your points are valid. I just find most flash forwards are a writing exercise that pleases the writer more than the audience in many cases. Typically, they work when they present key info you may need for the journey back to that point. So the writer establishes some focal points and then uncovers their meaning as the story progresses. Good examples are the TV show, "Lost," or the movie "Memento". Suspense is built, and I agree in "Ghost in the Library", this does help in that regard. I'm looking forward to reading the rest of the story and getting to that climactic scene.

Thank you. I may revisit the flash in the next set of updates. I will keep it, but perhaps rework it so it is much more open. Not so finial as not to have the reader looking for it at each turn of the page.

Hey, this is looking pretty neat. I can't really mention any bugs that haven't been mentioned already though. I just wanted to give my support.

I have to say that I was a bit confused by that part with Kay going to court. Are Kay and Craig together because it seems like it must be the case when you think of him even if he's not there, but since there's no other mention of this it's rather confusing.

It'd also be cool to be able to choose who goes in which van at the point when you decide instead of it being determined by the order in which you pick the characters. But I guess that's not really a big deal.

Anyway, I'm really looking forward to seeing how this continues.

Kay and Craig are bother and sister, I need to define it a bit more. It is a bug I need to fix, it is only suposed to bring up Kay going to court if he is in the group. I do have planed you choose who goes in what van in later updates, and thanks for the suport.

I see. Well I sure hope the main character and Kay taking a private break on the site doesn't lead to instant death at the hands of the ghost for either of them... would be way too predictable. I guess with the way the stats are instant death doesn't seem like it'll be all that common.

It seems like you're planning to have a lot of opportunities for character interaction, which is cool because the whole, group of characters interacting while stuck in a small location and stalked by some threat concept is one I feel doesn't get enough use in video games.

-Minor typo. At the start when you say placing and ad in the newspaper, you wrote add instead.

The game seems to run quite deep, look forward to it.

Another minor typo after you choose your team.

"I am glade you all are able to join me for this hunt." you say.

I really like the premise of the story. Seemed a bit Ghost Buster like in the beginning, simply referring to the theme. I appreciated the option of customizing the team instead of having a preset team. Actually very original.

Thank you all, sorry I have been really sick for the last few days. Hopefully will feel better soon and get back to writing.

How do you place spaces in the stat screen so to help break it up?

I have updated the flash, working on also fixing and updating one more time then moving on to next section. I want to make the it possible to choose who gets on what van. I am unsure the best way to sure to handle this. I am thinking.
*label load_van
*choice
*hide_reuse *${npcfirstnameone}
*gosub van_loaded
*goto load_van
*hide_reuse *${npcfirstnametwo}
*gosub van_loaded
*goto load_van
*hide_reuse *${npcfirstnamethree}
*gosub van_loaded
*goto load_van
*hide_reuse *${npcfirstnamefour}
*gosub van_loaded
*goto load_van
*hide_reuse *${npcfirstnamefive}
*gosub van_loaded
*goto load_van

*label van_loaded
*if (van_one="Blank")
*set van_one "npcfirstnameone"
*setref "npcfirstnameone"
*return
*elseif (van_two="Blank")
*set van_two "npcfirstnametwo"
*setref "npcfirstnametwo"
*return
*elseif (van_three="Blank")
*set van_three "npcfirstnamethree"
*setref "npcfirstnamethree"
*return
*elseif (van_four="Blank")
*set van_four "npcfirstnamefour"
*setref "npcfirstnamefour"
*return
*elseif (van_five="Blank")
*set van_five "npcfirstnamefive"
*setref "npcfirstnamefive"
*goto the_ride

Will this work or is there a better way. Sorry for the length of the post.

Can I just say, the first choice about "she thought you were a (wo)man" could be made a little more clearly. I would change "What did she call you at first? " to "What did she mistakenly call you at first? ". Maybe it's just me being thick, but it is slightly offputting to have to try and decipher a simple meaning.

"Our team is lead by..." == "Our team is led by...
Also, ac would be a little better spelt AC because 1. non-americans will be brought out of the game, because they (and I) would spend a few seconds blankly staring at it, as if it were a spelling mistake from Tartarus,

It's good though so far. Storyline is lookin nice, the characters look as if they are developing extremely well (I like shawn's joke in the car, even if no-one laughed).

Thank you. Had some down time at work and came up with a much better system for picking who rides in which van. A lot of coding ahead of me. Once I finish will also address all the spelling errors pointed out so far. I hope I can have the update in a week maybe two tops.

so van part is broken right keep getting that error message

You could always say "She even got your sex wrong." and then keep the same options.

Is it just me or did you add a new intro?

I am working on over all update on everything listed so far. Once I have the update completed the van error should go away. Yes I did write a new intro, one I hope does not make it feel so linear.

The intro is fine. So far its really good game lots of control. Hope you get the update up soon.

@lordirishdas When including code, can you include < code> on the line above and < /code> on the line below? It will keep spacing intact that way. (Remember to remove the spaces.)

Ok I have coded for seven hour yesterday, and five so far today. What have I managed to do? Only make a small dent in to the update. This may take me a little longer then I planned. The link is down for the moment as I work on this update. So please bear with me.

I shall wait with great anticipation. Actually I should probably just avoid thinking about it too much or else I'll end up wanting it more. :p

I have put in twenty hours of work into the update this weekend. I will be working on it all week, but mostly likely will not have it done until the end of this coming weekend.
lol Shoelip

@lordirishdas Damn... I'm proud of myself when I put in a couple of hours a day.

@lordirishdas that's a lot of work. Welcome to the I-write-every-waking-hour club.

My latest release took maybe 40 hours and people read it in maybe 20 minutes.

I am finding I made the project very complex, considering this is my first CoG lol. I enjoy tough projects and will see this to the end, but I am already wanting to start the next two projects. They will not be as complex as these will be single player instead of group. I also have several other writing projects on hold while I work on this. I have a novel I am thinking on switching over, while not a choose your way CoG, I think the layout of CoG will work very well for a straight forward book. Best regards to all, but I have been slack to long here and need to get back to the writing.

@lordirishdas- I am also working on a very complex project with other small projects on hold I understand Its very time consuming Good luck on the rest of it :-D

Hey lordirishdas. If you don't mind me asking, what did you decide? Have you continued on this, or moved on to a different project?

I am plugging away at it, but loss of a job has slowed me down a bit. I still put as much time as I can into it. At this time not sure when I will have an update out.

Cool. Hope we'll get to try a more complete game some time not too painfully far away. :)

I am hoping to have this update out in a week, but going line by line to try and weed out a lot of bugs and missed programming. I will then try to get one more update out before November. I will not be working on it durning that month as it will be NaNo time.

No rush. The worst thing is to get burned out and just stop completely.

No problems there, I enjoy it to much. I did want to pull my hair out, not being a program I had a hard time getting it set up for the van ride. As you are able to choose your team at the start this creates a random list. Choosing who rides in what van proved to be a bit challenging not to say the least. But I am very happy to say after ten hours of cussing, screaming, and even crying, I managed to work it out. Now you can choose who sits where, now on to the next challenge.

After to many hours to count I have an update done.
Fixes:
Too many bugs to count, can not promise I got them all. The choices are massive.
Clarified the relationship with Craig and Kay.
Filled in a lot of missing information.
Added many more choices.
Hopefully fixed all those spacing issues.

The van ride is only half complete, but while I work on the rest of it I was hoping you all would be kind enough to start finding those pesky bugs. As always thanks for your help, and please enjoy. Ow, and this time I will leave it up there while I work on the next update.
http://lordirish.com/web/mygame/index.html

Sorry if this double posts, system went odd on me.

Yes! Now to get Kay to ride next to me in the van! Victory shall be mine! Or something.

First bug I fond was a small typo on one of the first few pages which I never noticed before. "Of course starting a new group you placed an ad, which the newspaper mixed up all the information."

It should probably say "ad, IN which the newspaper"

On the team selection screen you left out the e in "She" in Kay's blurb.

["Yea, before the ac decides to quiet and we all cook alive in here." Shawn laughs at his own joke,] Another typo here with the e in quit.


["More like a love tap." Susan says as she brushes back a stray lock of long red hair over her right shoulder. "The cop wanted to make a big deal out of it, so now I have to go to court." You can see Craig wanted to pruse this furthr, but the look you give him keeps his lips still. ] In case you're wondering why I've only got typos here it's because I'm just editing my post with everything I find as long as I can, and those are the only bugs I've found so far. The paragraph says "Susan" when it seems to be referring to Kay. There are also a couple of typos in the last sentence with "pursue" and "further".

[People stand stretching then head out to help with the equipment, They chit chat with excitement with the up coming job. ] This is a bit strange. I think the punctuation is off.

Well. I didn't encounter any bugs besides typos on my first playthrough. I'll continue to try it out and see if I can break it.

Aha! I found a bug in the player stats screen.

Member One: Susan Brown
Skill Set: Cute and smart
Phone's GPS Tracking: Loading the vans
Members Health: 13
Paycheck: 40

The above should be Kay.

Member Three: Blank
Skill Set: Psychic Investigator
Phone's GPS Tracking: Loading the vans
Member Health: 11
Paycheck: 60

This one should be Susan.

Alright. Sorry for the triple post but after further investigation the above bug seems to occur only when you choose Kay as the first member, and Susan as the third. So far nothing else seems to be a condition for triggering it.

Your awsome, thanks fot the feed back. I to have Kay sitting next to me in the van. lol

Found a typo when loading the vans. If you put Joe in van 2 in either shotgun or driver(don't remember which) it says Rod instead.

P.S. If you wouldn't mind could you check out the topic for my game I would really appreciate feedback from you.

Thank you for your feedback, it’s another bug to fix. Rod is an optional npc that can join the group if certain conditions are met. Have added this to my bug sheet.

By all means I will check yours out. While working on the second update I did not read too many, but before I start this next update I am making my rounds to the stories.

I noticed a lot of typo's but only one bug on the ad page. It says 'our team is led by 'Blank'. I guess it should be my name.

Typo's: first line of the story, you talk to Mr Hunt. Later, his name is Mr Hunts.

First page:
""Now done to business." You say as you lean forward to open the staff files on your laptop. "
Should be 'down' to business.

Coming up with the Gizmo, second option:

"All living things consist of atoms and molecules were Spirits...". Should be 'where as spirits...

After selecting team:
"as we have a two hour drive too the location"
Should be 'to the location'

Same page:
"Shawn, nods his head in agreement. " shouldn't have the comma.

Talking about the case:
"""There is that possibility, so I don't want to take any undo risks." You say. "I want you to be in groups of two at all times. If it does get dangerous I will understand if any of you wish to leave at that time." They shook their heads in understanding. "We do our jobs, and be objective, but please don't take any unneeded risks. Ok moving on anything else." "

Undo risks? I guess you meant untoward.
Shook should be shake.

After starting the drive:

"You hit the onramp amd mirge into traffic. You cuss under your breath as you fight rush hour."

Merge spelling.

That's it. The story is good and the programming was fine for me. I look forward to seeing where this goes.

I think he probably meant "undue risks". Untoward doesn't really seem to fit the subject, and is also archaic.

Hey other people! Come post in the thread so lordirishdas knows you love him!

So far,so great! Can't wait :D