Goo-goo-ga-ga.

Sorry, couldn't resist--certainly a different start to most! I like it.

Very few errors spotted, the most obvious being:

In the opening paragraph you mention lords'. That would of course be for multiple lords, but earlier it only mentioned a single lord so should this be lord's instead?

"I like this not," thinks Danric, "it is a bad omen."

It's very unusual form to "say" thoughts (except in cases where you can "say" your thoughts to another character telepathically, perhaps, i.e. still a conversation). Pity we can't use italics--would've been ideal for this sort of thing. But without italics I'd suggest something like:

I like this not, thought Danric, knowing it's a bad omen.

Some minor typos later, e.g. "carfully" and another with an 'e' missing in the middle. Can't remember the exact word, began with for(e missing here)--

Overall I enjoyed it very much; it was well written and engaging. It certainly left me curious about what comes next.

love it

really nice! love it so far. (i get an error after choosing the third thing your good at. dont know if thats the end of the story or not)

Thank you all for the comments. I appreciate you taking the time to check out my game and post here.

@Vendetta
I completely agree with you about the italics, I've made the adjustments you've suggested. Thank you, I'll read through again to see if I can spot the other typos you mentioned.
@OMFGDIE
The first todo will be a bit of background. I did have something there but ended up changing it and have been occupied with the stat customization section. I intend to release the highest quality game that I possibly can, so yes it'll take me awhile to complete but I plan on releasing updates on my site for testing and balancing purposes.

Thanks again keep an eye out for the next update, hopefully I'll be through character set-up and into the beginning of the story.

@Txu
Yep sorry I'm working on the next section now, thanks for the comments!

This is really good can't wait for more!

i cant wait to see whats next

i have a question when you are gonna make the storie do we play throught the characters childhood or do we skip that. I think it whould be interesting to play throught the childhood

@alexxo97
You will play through the character's childhood, in fact a substantial portion of this game will be your character's formative childhood and adolescent years. The choices you make at this early stage in the game will have important and lasting consequences throughout the games (story) I have planned.

ok thx for answering

I've just played through your demo and it's good so far. I particularly liked the name meanings, encouraging people to play with a name other than their own.

I'm curious though as to the need for so much detail about the character's appearance. You don't have to say here, but I found with 'The Race' that it was difficult to write in meaningful uses of the different hair and skin colours and both were only used a couple of times throughout.

The game has a lot of potential though and I like your writing style. Keep up the good work!

@andymwhy
Thank you for taking the time from your own projects to check out my game and for posting your comments. The amount of detail I give to the appearance of the player character was a decision I made initially to give the player added customization of their character. Personally I enjoy when I can customize may avatar down to the smallest detail. Then as I started to outline and form the direction of the project I realized that all those details can easily be used throughout the story as a source of conflict for the character. That and the selections you choose can be used to determine subsequent characters in the sequel. I better stop now, I'm starting to get ahead of myself. BTW I thoroughly enjoyed 'The Race', and am looking forward to your next project. Thanks again!

Really enjoying this game so far, I especially like the detailed customization.
I'm really looking forward to what direction you're going to go with the story. Please continue :)

I play your demo and I love the variety of your character customization. I can wait to see how the story unfolds.

I enjoyed the demo so far. One thing you may need to look at is the part where you choose if you have markings on your body, as for my playthrough it says "he looks at your body" and all the choices say his birthmark/dimples/freckles?

I think your story gave me a better sense of "being there" than any other hosted game so far. Good use of significant detail and "show, don't tell." And you suggested the setting and history without huge info dumps. This intro is intriguing, I'm eager to read more.

Starting the first paragraph "Ten minutes ago," then rattling off a bunch of names in a run-on sentence is a poor way to start a story, though. Better to begin with Willen bursting in with his announcement, and skip the discussion (the info should be told later). Or begin at "The Blood Moon hangs low..."

I think a man summoned by his wife in labor would immediately look at and go to her when he entered, so it seems odd when "he" (though the narrator's choice of detail and order) "describes" the midwife, son, and daughter (and their personalities) before even mentioning his wife is in the room. Makes more sense for him to rush to her, and the midwife and children interject themselves after. We don't need told their personalities, because they will be evident soon enough, even by they way they talk to Danric and react to the childbirth in that first scene. We also don't need told Willen is given to crying fits, it's irrelevant and out-of-place.

The switch from third to second person is jarring:
Danric quickly opens the door to the main room. Willa is holding you in one hand and a razor sharp knife in the other.
This is the first time "you" are mentioned, but almost as an afterthought. The reader needs to be subtly primed for that switch, that "you" are coming, and then "you" are finally here. Similarly, after the switch to second person, it's weird to call your parents by their first names all the time as though you were still in third person.

The detailed customization is interesting (and apparently popular), but perhaps shouldn't be all in a lump. Maybe Munro could comment on your eye color, etc., to spread it out. It also seems weak to break up so many sentences the way you did during that section. But, I've never been a fan of CoG's "And what color were your eyes, Gentle Reader?" style, so props for doing something different. I'm interested to see how that level of detail plays out later (as you described above). Oh, and you might limit readers to choosing three body markings max, it becomes comical when you choose all 12 or so.

At the risk of sounding crude, you might change Willen's transliteration to "It's tuh-tuh-time," as he currently could be mistaken as summoning Danric to a much different place. You could add "he stammered" or "stuttered" after, so that it's clear he's having trouble speaking. Clarity is crucial in an opening.

If you're an American, punctuation (almost) always goes inside the quotation marks, not after. Do not capitalize after a quote if it's still the same sentence.
"...for Tryrem's sake!" [e]xclaims Munro.

Ellipses always have three periods (you have several two-period ellipses).

When addressing someone, you need a comma before and/or after:
"Good day, Murno," your father says.
"What are you saying, Keeper?"
"Danric, blah blah blah."
"Hello, Danric, can you believe the weather we are getting?"

Interjections need commas:
"It's unnatural[comma] I tell ya. Why, it's the middle of Decem[comma] for Tryrem's sake!" exclaims Munro.
"That's just bad luck[comma] I say."

Clauses that modify a sentence need commas:
Without the aid of Keeper's brew[comma] Tedorimir must calm and focus himself to reach the trance state required to commune with the god[no apostrophe]s.

You have several sentences that grammatically are two sentences, but you've connected them with a comma.

Anyway, a proofreader will mark up stuff like this when you finish. It looks great otherwise, and I definitely want to hear the rest of this story.

@Nocturnal_Stillness
Yep, thank you for pointing that out, I had the choices set up to basically swap the the pronouns then went back and changed the text without changing the choices. Thanks for catching that.
@HoraceTorys
Thank you for checking out my game and for your insightful comments. This is exactly the type of comments I was hoping to receive when I started this thread. I greatly appreciate that you've taken the time to write them. Thanks again.

don't mention it, the game is looking good :)

Wow! I really enjoyed playing the demo :) I loved the character customization. Please do continue this.

I love it a lot. For some reason this game reminds me of the game alter ego. Not the story but how it's written when a choice effects character stats.

@choiceofkylen
Thank you for checking out my game, I'm glad you've like what I have so far. There's definitely more to come so check back often.
@Victoriya
Awesome! I loved that old dos game. Anyway, thank you for the comment. Time to burn more of the midnight oil...just have to get this intro done (:|

Rob im not sure if this is supposed to happen: Fix strengths questions 2 strengths only 1 weakness Redefine strength variables Change strength allotments Write Introduction Rewrite some choices (Danir interaction) Write Name Summary Set up Stat Page(s)

:) thanks for the heads up alexxo97. Those are my notes on what I need to work on.

I will have a new version of the game up on the website shortly. Unfortunately I didn't get very far with the story. I did get half of the first draft on the intro done, the weakness section of the custom name selection is finished and the personal stat screen is working. Revisions to the some of the story have been completed. Minor grammatical errors and typos corrected. Still quite a few changes to make. But you are welcome to check out the next version, and as always comments and suggestions are encouraged. Thanks!

I have to say that I'm looking forward to the completion of this game more so than any other. I love it already! Maybe because of the character detail, and also the fact that I'll be able to play through childhood and get a chance to fully develop my character step by step. Not many CoG have that option, I understand that it probably makes creating the game more harder and takes longer,but I appreciate that your gona take the time to do all this. Awesome game! Keep up the good work. Oh & also love how the stat screen is, sooo detailed.. Haha

Thank you for your comment huhwhat check back often for an updated version of children of iseir.

i really enjoyed playing this game can't wait for the next part.
when will the next part be out ?

Where's the updated version? Is it the top link?

@xPoisonThornx
I'm glad to hear you've enjoyed the game so far. I'm hard at work with some of the basic coding and fleshing out the stat screens. So unfortunately I haven't had a chance to continue writing the story. I'm hoping once I get some of these systems in place I can start making good progress with the writing.
@Epicazeroth
It should be the only link on the page. The updated version is still very much incomplete.

I will probably wait to post another update until I have a bit more of the story down, still messing around with coding, it's a lot of trial and error at this point, considering I have very little experience with Choicescript.

Quite story/lore question what what goverment like this player culture pre and post conquest?

The naming gimmick is kind of silly, personally. I would recommend separating names and stat customization entirely, but I suppose I can do that anyway.

@rogar
Forgive me I'm not quite sure what your question is. The story primarily takes place after the Voltnar (player's civ) is conquered by the Altim. I hope that clarifies it a bit for you, I know that it is still a little unclear as the intro is only half complete.
@Ramidel
Ok, I can respect that. Rest assured though that there is still plenty of stat customization to come. As I mentioned in an earlier post I intend to allow the player to guide their characters through infancy, to childhood, adolescence and onward. Your character's young years are the most impressionable so many of your early choice will result in rather dramatic changes in your character.

@Rob I love the idea of been able to play thought childhood/adolescence and onward i can't wait :D !

Tell me about pre conquest and post conquest Voltnar society from goverment to people faith. If could my good sir.

@xPoisonThornx
I'm glad to hear you're looking forward to the game. Keep an eye on this thread for the next update, hopefully I'll something a bit more substantial for you guys to play through, and thanks for your support! You guys really keep me motivated to keep plugging along, especially when I break the same section of code for the umpteenth time :-))
@Rogar
Valtnar society pre-conquest existed as a fairly peaceable collection of family clans. Each clan ruled over a smaller section of the land they called Iseir. A High King would be elected by the chieftains of each clan upon the death of the previous High King. Although the Valtnar kingdom exists in a rather peaceable state they prize martial ability above all else and many disagreements can be resolved through personal combat, High King's may even be deposed off in this manner. Small squabbles still exist between the clans resulting in some minor bloodshed but after the conflict you can often find the warriors on opposing sides sharing a mug of redroot liquor together. Pre-conquest the Valtnar worshiped an entire pantheon of gods, the key of which is the father of the gods and the patron of the Valtnar Tryrem. The gods are said to reside at the top of Mount Avar, or Tryrem's Tower, the highest peak on the continent of Elria. After the Altim invasion worship of the Valtnar gods is outlawed. The clergy of the Valnar known as Divine Shepherds were required to take an oath renouncing their gods and proclaiming the Altim gods and Altim Emperor as the only true divines. Many Divine Shepherds, or informally Keepers, denied and were summarily put to death. The ones that did still secretly conduct traditional Valtnar religious ceremonies. The clan chieftains and many of their closest relatives were put to death or went into hiding after the invasion. Local Altim lords with contingents of Altim soldiers were stationed in many of the larger settlements and conduct their particular province rather autonomously. They do report to and send taxes, and conscripts to the governor in Seafoam Rock. The Altim have been colonizing Iseir, but because of wars at home this is not going as quickly as they would have liked, because of these wars they are also conscripting young Valtnar warriors to fight for them. Whew...ok I know that was probably a little more than you were asking for, but I hope that answers your question. Thanks for taking an interest in the game.

Even with elected ruler, they show type test ritual, to prove to god there worth of throne. The king rome before took the throne had with eagle to show he has gods blessing, if not he loses all right to kingship. Holy Roman Emperor need to be crown by the pope.

When high King chosen does have to climb mount Avar, Medite and fight tought beast on top mountain to show he has full bless of god?

So far the sheer amount of character customization is quite appealing. The little touches with the siblings are quite nice, but the brother just seems like a jerk for the sake of being a jerk. My main complaint is that the writing dumps a lot of exposition on you in a short time, perhaps it could be spread out a bit more?

I really enjoyed the current version of the game. Having alot of choices to what you look like makes it pretty enjoyable and the "relationships" bar is something for us to look after too.

Can't wait for the next release :)

@13ventrm
I tend to agree with you about the amount of info coming at you in such a short time. It will be something that I look closer at and try to find a bit of a middle ground. The story naturally steals bits and pieces from existing fantasy and fiction, I think some concepts do need a bit of elaboration for the reader to get up to speed. But then again maybe I am not giving enough credit where credit is due. Suffice it to say I will definitely be looking into spreading the info dump out a bit. Thank you 13ventrm for your comments, they are much appreciated. And on the matter of Danir, well you're right he is a bit of a jerk, but as you will come to learn he has his reasons, and you as the player may get the chance to give him cause to change.

@rogar
You make a good point. Perhaps the High King will need to foster some sort of relationship with the Divine Shepherds to stay in power. I will have to think on it. But as far as climbing Mount Avar, that I will save for a different story ;-)

@TwitchPhD
Glad to hear it Doc, keep an eye on this thread for the next release. Thanks for checking out the game.

Perhaps the opening scene detailing the history of the Valtnar and the Altim can be moved up a bit, perhaps during a history lesson during the protagonist's childhood to spread out the exposition. The following text with Danric and his friend seems unecessary, but it feels like it'll be important later, so maybe it can be shortened.

Why do you ask "do you have a second weakness?"? Not to seem rude, but why in the world would we want more than one bad thing about us?

@13ventrm
I have to agree, it really didn't seem so bad when I was reading it on my computer but I checked it out on my phone and starting scrolling down the page.....and kept scrolling... damn when does this thing end. ;-) But I certainly have to figure out a way to get the player up to speed enough with the world and not subject them to this massive wall of text. Thanks for the comments vent, I really appreciate the feedback I've received from those on these forums. The text with Munro I really don't see as too much, but what I will do is throw in a *page_break between it and your family arriving at the naming ceremony.

Just to keep you guys in the loop with how development is going...

This week was a little rough as the stomach flu hit the family and myself like a ton of bricks, but I've been plugging away at the stat screens for the game and writing some of the background checks and coding. I am very anxious to continue writing the story and get another little update out, so I think I'll wait to finish some of the programming and work on getting some more of the story down this weekend. So, for those of you that are interested I will try to have you an update by Sunday...fingers crossed.

@Epicazeroth
If you end up taking the second weakness then your weaknesses are spread and less severe than if you only took one.

I wish you much luck and perserverance, I liked what you have so far to the point where I don't want this to end up yet another forgotten unfinished game.

@Rob
I guess that makes sense.

@Rob get well soon. I can't wait for the next update i can't wait to see what you updated and done with story i hope we get have more family drama with Danir so much fun.

@13ventrm
Thank you don't worry Ive had this general story rolling around in my head for a very long time and I'm just so excited to have finally found a medium that is both fun and interactive to present it in. though its quite a bit of work, I'm having a blast making this game
@xPoisonThornx
Thank you I really appreciate that, I'm back in fighting form now and looking forward to getting some more of the story written. I have a bunch of drama planned it's going to feel like youre a kardashian or something

@Rob sound very dramatic and fun and i wanted ask do you have/use twitter at all for when your about update your demo/games ?

@xPoisonThornx
What is this twitter thing you're referring to? ;-) Unfortunately no I don't have a twitter account. Maybe that will be something I will look into, I do post on this thread when I have an update ready. Barring any unforeseen events I should have an update for you tomorrow. Much of what I have completed since the last update has not extended the story, but I have two nearly complete and functional stat screens and some of the checks that will be going on in the background have been written. But for the next two days I will be concentrating on getting some more story down and choices completed. As always thank you for your interest Thorn.

Rob. When child born please limit. The what baby lookm like to,skin,birthmark, and eye color.